CPAC Gossip Column: Live Blog on the Albaro Intercourse Crisis

BREEZE, REAL LIFE — An anonymous source went on the record with CPA Central earlier today when noting that Albaro Lord, in celebration of Flipmoo’s recent retirement from armies and searching for a consolation prize following not receiving the leadership, sought out an female. We here at CPA Central bring you all the details. 

3:47:21 EST: Albaro enters the bedroom of said “an female.”

3:50:36 EST: After intensive lip contact between both specimens, Albaro and his female of interest move to the bed, situated in the center of the bedroom.

3:52:57 EST: As displayed in interactions with Albaro Lord on ACP Tinychat, he is uncomfortable when wearing a shirt. Albaro displays this tendency when with an female, removing his shirt as the two leap upon the bed.

3:53:11 EST: An female, in response to Albaro re-entering his natural habitat and removing his shirt, follows suit. Albaro is saddened that her undergarments are Nachos and not Army of CP themed.

3:54:14 EST: Albaro Lord lays down on the bed face-up, as the female climbs on top of him and lip contact resumes.

3:56:29 EST: Clearly not worried (too much) about the Nachos-themed undergarments, Albaro Lord begins contact using his hands, tactically hardened from CP Warfare.

3:58:55 EST: The female hand’s begin to pull down Albaro Lord’s pants — he begins sweating profusely, remembering what undergarments he put on today and worried the warring themes will cause this saucy event to come to an abrupt end — and not that kind.

3:59:31 EST: Albaro Lord’s pants become fully removed from his body (this is uncharted territory for the ACP 2ic), and are tossed from the bed. As an female continues to remove Albaro Lord’s clothes, the event is about to get more intense before she notices the green clovers decorating his undergarments.

4:00:00 EST: The female is horrified; Albaro Lord is now convinced he is sleeping with a Nachos spy. An intense argument begins, in which Albaro Lord refuses to put his shirt back on.

4:04:16 EST: After intense deliberation over the Cassius Brutus treaty and the coup d’etat of Mrgpv, the two put aside their differences and once again make moves toward the central bed of the room. As Albaro Lord takes position on the bed, he notices the bowl cut of Dpd2000, CPA Central Associate Producer and Field Reporter, peeking through the window. Behind him, chomping loudly on a bagel with increasing excitement, is CPA Central Owner Woton.

4:04:30 EST: In a fit of rage not seen since last Sunday’s Top Ten, Albaro Lord lets out a primal cry. He quickly goes to the door where, next to his ACP water bottle, his WOLOLO™ Rifle is leaning against the wall.

4:05:01 EST: Albaro Lord quickly takes aim and, like the master snowball-shooter he is, fires a single snowball, shattering the lens of Dpd2000’s camera, startling the intrepid Field Reporter. Dpd2000 tumbles from the roof, knocking Woton and his bagel over in the process.

4:05:34 EST: Woton’s camera shatters on impact — the tape ends with a garbled recording of Woton crying out for his lost bagel.

6:13:16 EST: Word has reached CPA Central Headquarters that Woton fired Dpd2000 on the spot for destroying his bagel and ruining the tape. At this time, we await further reports of Albaro’s *~*activities*~* upon his return.

This is a developing story. Stay tuned for more details. 


CPA Central CEO


72 Responses

  1. Thats Hot

    • what the fuck

      • ^

    • Don’t you take my fucking word

  2. 50 shades of CPAC

  3. “Word has reached CPA Central Headquarters that Woton fired Dpd2000 on the spot for destroying his bagel and ruining the tape.

  4. Update: An female turns out to be former Nacho leader and current spy, Mrgpv

    • LOL.

  5. Poor bagel

  6. There are no words.

  7. Omfg wololo gun. And to think i was the first to come up with wololo xD eheh

  8. what have i just read

    • a cpac post

  9. “Behind him, chomping loudly on a bagel with increasing excitement, is CPA Central Owner Woton.”

    lets be honest, bagel was probably a euphemism

  10. I came.

  11. Well, now we know what Alb was doing on his vacation this week….

    i think id rather have not known tbh

  12. Ogod.

  13. i came, i was the bed

  14. This is a joke, right?

    • I don’t know I think it is.

    • Russians have no sense of humor

      • Obviously you have a pretty bad sense of humor yourself if you think calling me Russian as an insult 24/7 is amusing.

  15. So it seems Alb will get Jessies 101 apparent STD’s.

  16. Is Jessie the woman in this story

    • its juju
      thats how she died

  17. Sure when she does it’s ”intercourse” when I do it it’s ”unlawful assault”.

  18. Well I wanked.

    • So, the chastity belt is off?

      • It was a metaphor. And shh, don’t tell dem bout my extremism

        • Everyone knows, why do you think I even set up a live feed?

          • Oh shit, ignore that.

          • oh that was you?

            • No, it was Snaily. She’s in your cupboard atm, actually.

              • One sec I’m a check

                • She may be armed with a pink whip that says ”fat ‘n’ sexy” on it.

                  • Why do you think it took me so long to reply back?

  19. What the actual fuck did I just read

  20. it me

  21. I can’t wait for part II. :p

  22. Where did I put the lotion..

  23. LMFAO

    • LMFAO

  24. if i saw anyone with “undergarments” of a cp army i’m pretty sure i’d leave them immediately

    • Im pretty sure i’d laugh

    • tbh, i think itd be turned on by that alone

      ill have her call me pink mafias as i ram her pink mafia .

      • “h-hey anon?”
        “i…i think i know why you want me to call you pink mafia…”
        “why, honey?”
        “cause your dick is a small fry”

  25. Read this and other stories at such as “My View of the World” by Elmikey, “The Bluesockwa threesome” by Zak and the most popular piece on there, “Why ACP sucks” by Cas. Look for it under the CP armies section!

    • I want that to be real.

  26. rofl

  27. When did CPAC become a gossip column? Must’ve missed a post or something **wary**

    • It happened a long time ago, but this is much less subtle than previous posts….

  28. Ain’t this a bit off topic and innapropiate

    • Exactly

  29. Blue1 you sux so bad right now I didn’t think you’d get any lower

    • Don’t be so hard on Fish guys, it’s not his fault he has “the intelligence of a frog”.

      • i was jking (wary) b1 (huG)

  30. Sex tape? Is this even real

    • A written out one at least

  31. Pff, whats next, a fully fledged fanfiction? opleasegodno.

  32. epicolizard 4 nxt intercourse story

  33. Are you high?

  34. Edit: don’t read the newest one but all the older ones are good especially “Tri-bum-virate”

  35. This is supposed to be a news site :/

    • Not to mention a CLUB PENGUIN news site.

    • gasp
      what is this madness

      • We have no fun here. If you have fun, you are biased. SCUM.

  36. This post was amazingly erectifying

  37. Emily…? Is that you…?


  38. wtf was that

    • Sensational

      • truly

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