BEACHES OF NORMANDY, CPA Central Field Base — We’re less than twenty-four hours in to what, according to several armies, is World War II (2.0). The Axis and Allied Powers have risen from the grave to clash once more. Both sides believe they themselves lead the charge of heavenly angels against Satan himself incarnate, who stands strong leading his army of mini-Lucifer clones. We are less then twenty fours in, and the rhetoric is so thick we need gas masks.
Number of Armies Involved in the War: 1 vs. 1 + 3 = 4 vs. 1 + 1 = 4 vs. 2 + 2 = 4 vs. 4 + 3 = 7 vs. 4 + 1 = 7 vs. 5 -1 =
7 AGAINST 4.
Posts Pertaining to the War In Approximately 12 Hours: 14, 2 for each Nation of Domination Army, and 3.5 for every National Rifle Association Army.
Before I continue, I hope everyone that’s about to take offense from this post finds solace in the fact that we’re going to be going after all of you, not just one, or two, so hopefully you’ll find our clear devotion to fairness admirable. Now, let’s talk about the war.
The members of the Army Republic have been going after the Doritos for many weeks now, with the treaty being made on February 30th, which DCP Leader Mustapha10 constantly argues is a real date — though if you look at the pictures of the NoD kingpins to my left, you’ll see brain cells probably aren’t there strong suit. Early allies in the WWE Rastafarian Federation were only the ACP and the Doritos, as ACP joined in the war against the Army Republic. Soon after, pictures would surface regarding an AR meeting with the Water Vikings, alluding to a bigger conflict. I believe this is around where it gets complicated. The Water Vikings were involved early on, fighting for the rights of America’s gun owners before dropping out of the war.
Now, I’ll be honest, I don’t even know if what I said above is remotely correct. At this point, I can tell you that once the smoke cleared, seven armies were with the Nation of Domination, and only four with the National Rifle Association following the Water Vikings’ drop-out from the escapade.
After all that, the rhetoric posts rose up like noxious chemicals, coating our atmosphere and eventually causing the downfall of modern society, as much as Republicans want to say it doesn’t exist. As you saw in my statistics above, fourteen total posts have come and gone since the war began approximately twelve hours ago, the only army who is still silent would be the Ice Warriors. We’ve seen more Ghostbusters and World War 2 references than we can count. We’ve also seen the first “ACP IS ANTI-CP” reference in a few years, and I seriously wanted to hang myself.
Lucky for all of you, the time for summaries is over, and now it’s time to go through every army by itself. In no particular order, we here at CPA Central are going to have some fun debunking the rhetoric as we sit on the horizon of what could be another major conflict. I hope you’ll indulge our desire. Ladies and gentleman, sit back, relax, take a load off, and welcome to this sensual edition of CPAC’s ever-infamous Op-Eds.
Let’s begin with the newly reformed Hot Sauce Army (NRA). Since their rebirth only a few days ago, the HSA has wasted no time getting involved in scandals, from backstabbing their way into CPAC’s March Madness II, to being one of the reasons this war formed. If you’re playing along with us at home, the drinking game works like this: a shot for every time HSA has a scandal. Only problem is you won’t be drinking too long, because let’s be honest, it’s HSA. I give it two weeks.
The HSA is also apparently led by Lord Pain, with their ACP peasant references and the rebirth of ACP is Anti-CP. To the HSA Administration, I badly want a picture of that tactic mailed to our headquarters. HSA’s posts are also lovely.
Footnote 1: “You wanted to dicksuck CPAC like always…”
I’m sure the ACP Administration will join with me in saying that relations between this site and the army, especially when it comes to our Op-Eds, and especially when it comes to their administration yelling gay slurs at me, have not exactly been spectacular. We’ve been working on it. Counseling has been helping.
Footnote 2: That second paragraph holds no basis in reality. It’s impossible to ever need to imagine that, as the alliance you just proposed makes about as much sense as your old ‘hsaarmy’ domain.
The Underground Mafias Army’s (NoD) resident chemispacephysicist Daniel has also wasted no time publishing a long and grammatically daunting open letter to the Light Troops, which reminds me of the United Nations’ strongly worded letter to Kim Jong Un telling him they do not like, very strongly do not like mass genocides. The Redemption Force (NoD), also in on the fun, has finally found a decent setting for the WW2-esque propaganda that garnishes their widgets, because, as we’ve all been told, this is World War II 2.0. They also like their troops staring into our souls.
The Golds Army (NRA), who have recently relinquished their New Dawn Alliance roots, seem to find it very difficult escaping NDA tendencies. The first tip-off on Whats Up11’s struggle to break away from his former alliance’s hypocrisy was the linking of Twisted Sister’s We’re Not Gonna Take It at the end of the post, where we all prayed we would never have to hear that again. Please. Don’t do this to us.
This alliance has formed to go against the bad and evil alliance known as the New Dawn Alliance.
The New Dawn Alliance, as mentioned above, became the Nations of Domination since this post was made. However, Whats Up11 glorifies a lovely NDA tendency to label other armies as “evil”, which we saw very much during the NDA vs. JLA issue towards the end of 2013. Apparently, though I did not know this before reading Whats Up11’s post, the Doritos, RPF, ACP, and the rest are little Satanic gremlins running around on Xat chats with clear intentions to destroy the world. Thanks, Golds!
Yes, shockingly enough, the Doritos (NoD) claim they are not satanic gremlins, but in fact, their opponents, the Golds are. Someone here has to be right, because it is impossible that no one in our community is evil! There are always clear villians; the RPF exposed that with the Nacho Illuminati that ran CPAC, but now, it seems armies can’t agree on who is evil!
The Rebel Penguin Federation (NoD), contrary to the norm for them, has remained surprisingly quiet for now, with only one post on behalf of Sir PJ. Sure, he called the Hot Sauce Army pathetic and liars, but at least we’ve avoided naming them satanic gremlins just for now. I hope the RPF can step up to a new norm and avoid that throughout this whole war.
Over at the Light Troops (NRA), Spi101 has made some lovely references to the old JLA and NDA conflict — but there’s some issues. First of all, when did anyone decide that linking either music files or YouTube videos with epic music at the beginning of their posts makes things more epic, because no one wants to play them, it looks awful formatting-wise, and if I see that Army Republic World at War video one more time, I might just have to call up whoever posted that video and request they remove it.
Spi101 has also been generous enough to let us know that not only will he be fighting the Nations of Domination, not only will he be bringing “TRUE justice” to the army community, but he is going to CRUCIFY the alliance. The Purple Republic’s hopes and dreams have been all but realized, as an ACP peon is no more in glorification of the Purple Empire. Purple rad, others mad. Purple pride, server-wide.
The extreme cring of the ACP penguin should leave ACP’s administration very scared of the crucifixion that’s going to take place on behalf of the National Rifle Association against the NoD. However, I believe the two most involved armies in terms of the rhetoric have been the two through which this entire thing started: the Army Republic (NRA) and the Army of CP (NoD).
We’ve seen four posts come out of the AR, and three out of the ACP since this whole thing began to take shape. The ACP’s Attack on Titan fanboys have all agreed, and have gone to war over the Army Republic betrayal, which took place in 2013 and which everyone is still incapable of getting over.
The Army of CP, as well as their allies the Doritos, have argued that they are not satanic hellspawn despite what the Golds Army claims, and that they will soon prove the National Rifle Association wrong. I hope that in the next few weeks, we will be able to determine who is truly the “evil side of armies”. Also, in a Daniel-esque attempt, the ACP has used more SAT vocab words in their declaration posts than any army so far.
Above, from the Inverted Triangle Spy Agency, ACP’s hipster subset, we see a lovely intelligence photo of Lord Pain jumping the gun once again. First of all, the fact that this guy has managed to remain in the Army Republic for as long as he has should be an award in itself, but Pain has clearly been itching to take down the ACP peasants for a long time. Fury, as usual, is trying to keep the ape in its cage and telling Pain in a very professional way to calm the f*** down.
ACP’s troops have also found themselves incapable of ending the “WO LO LO” crusade, and for the better education of our community, I submitted it to a Google Search, which brought me to Urban Dictionary.
A word uttered by the priest units from the original Age of Empires game, usually when attempting to convert an enemy unit over to their side. Since then it has been used as a taunt in subsequent Age of Empires games, baffling all those who’ve never played the original game.“I’m in Ur Base Killin Ur Doodz”
I’m not the only one to appreciate that Jerry must be SAT prepping, as Buritodaily also took the time to comment on the use of ‘bellicose’ in his post The Folly of Jerry, ACP Leader. The Army Republic’s accusations have basically centered around the fact that DESPITE THE HISTORICAL EVIDENCE WHICH STATES THE NDA IS GONE, IT IS STILL HERE. THIS MISINFORMED ATTITUDE IS SHARED BY THE REST OF THE NRA.
You can’t destroy the NDA, it’s already gone. While the Army Republic does make many valid points about the former NDA, they forget to mention that the newly formed NoD is making many steps to distance themselves from that former alliance. Also, the Army Republic eventually falls into saying that while the NoD is not hellspawn, it’s an embodiment of terrorism and Nazism. And, well, basically claiming we’re in World War II 2.0, where the actual events of World War II really hold no relation whatsoever to this brewing conflict.
The purpose of the above post was mainly to entertain you, and I hope all armies can indulge some jokes now and again. However, there is something that’s really sad about this. This war started less than twenty-four hours ago. Already, we’re engaged in a community-wide flame fest, we’ve labeled people Nazis, terrorists, satanic, and we have, somewhere along the line decided that we are of some better breed to say that you, you, and you, are evil. Me and my friends aren’t. And I can say this because I lead a Club Penguin Army. Good luck to everyone in this war, but if I have almost 2,000 words of material and we aren’t even a day in yet, I hope this will play out a little better than how it’s looking right now.
CPA Central CEO
Filed under: Satire |